It’s fascinating to see a human being self destruct; especially when you are looking in the mirror and the person you see self destruct is you. It becomes an obsession, you stare and stare, feeling that there has to be something you need to do something, you have to do but you can not move a muscle. For the life of you, you become a spectator in your own funeral procession. Burnout was a new word, every one was going through it, high profile executives in every field were going through it. At 25 he was one, most people went thru it after they finished their MBAs and have worked for a few years helping multinational corporations go places and then they have a spectacular blowout, He burnt out in the middle of his MBA there were days when he was afraid to sleep in the night and times when looking in the mirror was painful. Diagnosed with clinical depression he had blown a potentially rewarding education and career with nothing to look forward to.
His family was distraught and his friends were disappointed, and there were days when he wanted to kill him self, but even there he was caught between the argument that it was very cowardly or very brave taking his own life. Some days he thought it would be brave of him giving up his life, and shield his family and loved ones from the trauma his life had become. On other days it felt cowardly because it was taking the easy way out and living the rest of the world to deal with the ordeal. Anti depressants weren’t much help either, because for them to work the stress would have to go away and for some reason it came up in every conversation, secondly it drained the life from a person and there was no energy to do any thing.
Life gets complicated from time to time. Today he heard the two people he loves the most argue about money. They were people he gave examples of when asked what the ideal marriage should be like. Today they argued over the amount of money they were spending over each other, the current argument was the fallout of another one that as usual had started over his burnout or failure and spilled over into their personal lives, he had poisoned the love between two of the people he cared for the most. Love that gave hope to them and carried them through enough trouble to make most couples look mediocre and now a stupid little metal breakdown looked to tear them apart. Life never did play fair.
The funny thing is he never wished he could rewind life, or redo it all over again, but some times it just feels like it would just be better with a pause button or better yet, push a button and erase your entire past. The past is like an inebriated ghost who wouldn’t let me sleep and neither would it let me put it to rest. He would work himself to into exhaustion so that he could get a few precious hours of sleep, but since he had over heard the argument between them he couldn’t sleep it had been two days he would lie awake at nights and sit in front of the television like a zombie. He had been trying to patch together the pieces of his life for the last few years and it was ridiculous how every thing he had done against so much opposition and heartache could be undone by a silly argument between two people. Relationships can be one person’s strength and their biggest weakness as well.
Labels: breakdown
15 comments:
He is... Who??
and the title of the post.... ?
"he" is broken man trying to rebuild his life, blessed with angels for friends and saints for parents, but then they are all human.
and the title is there because these are ruminations of insomnia induced eating binges.
:) yeah ...
but the description seems so encrypted and like selected excerpts pulled out of the context .. that it seems NOT a figment of imagination, but (almost auto-)biographical .. tho i know it most probably isn't ...
why do u say that it isnt biographical it is the description of some very close to me,
Ohh.. it is .. well , it did
seem so :)
but I didnt want to jump to conclusions ..
PS. m kinda messed up right now ..
my blog link is acting funny .. and i can open every other blog but mine :(
*paranoia*
anyhow ...
god bless...
but it seems so autobiographical....
Strangely, money is turning out to be one of the crucial factors that somehow describe even some relationships.... The heart does speak it's language in relationships, but somehow, by the time the words reach the tongue, the jingling of the pocket swallows those words to be let out off one's ass (where the wallet is)..... Go for a ride dude.... And throw urselves into the air...
@ miss weasly life can be a bitch but then im like the hit me doll, it keeps punching me in the nose and i keep getting up
:D
@samby :D
@red : the one solution to all problems rides right, yeaht thts what i do most of the time
:D ..well well well ... somehow one gets this strong feeling that this piece is auto-biographical .. altho somehow, the protagonist does not seem to resemble u much ... anywho ...
IMP. I'll repeat what I'd posted on a previous comment : I wud rather be addressed as Weasley.. prefixing it with "Ms" sumhow defeats the very spirit of the name!!
God Bless .. :)
An everyday tale of life overwrought with the weight of expectations, the illusions of Utopia and the hunt for the silver lining.
Though I am a woman, I could easily be the man you describe, digging my own grave with my own wayward ideas of what should be...
@weasly why dosent the protagonist seem like me?? oh and i keep adding the miss cause u seem more like ginny than ron even though u call your self ron. oh adn u can call me john or shanu ....
@ B&B expectations always overwhelm but then fighters never quit looking for the silver linning, and my experience states that wayward ideas are always good even though they might sond bad in the begining, hang in there and every thing will be all right
the ideal marriage is one that can survive depression, even if not the depression of the people married. A disease, esp one that is curable - difficult recurring but curable, shouldn't be what tears a marriage apart. and if so much effort has been put into something against opposition and so on, something silly won't be able to undo it completely. so tell your protagonist to hang in there =D
nice blog, btw.
:)
Well Shanu, I dunno .. now that i think about it .. it cud be you, for all I know! .. even tho the MBA seems a figment of imagination..surely, u havent toyed with things MBA, have u?
But whatever the case, I do hope that things finally looked up, for Him... altho what this depression a result of self-destructive behaviour, or was it his inability to cope up with things that life threw at him? ...
and "every thing he had done against so much opposition and heartache could be undone by a silly argument between two people"
he had been trying to re-build his life? against OPPOSITION - from whom/what? and are these two people parents.. I think I get a clearer picture of His story now .. although I really wish it were in the past tense (tht the bad times are over) ...
And, Well m sorry i insisted upon removing the prefix :D, altho, I seem more like Ginny than Ron? :O :O
*protests*
Thanks, anyway ..
Cheers and God Bless :)
@JAG :D and ideal marriages exist, and yest stupid reasons wont break them,
@weasly Protest noted, and yeah the two people are his parents. oh and dont be sorry hey and i told you im like the hit me doll life keeps punching me on the nose and i keep bouncing back up
well written.. and i love the name of the entry!
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