Its been 13 years now, a climb up a cliff face ended in a broken back, i wasn't sure I'd walk again, even sitting up again was distant. looking at the first few days wen the realisation dawned that this was it. at sixteen i was a vegetable, or real close. but it is not the injury i want to talk about, it's what came after. Life for the few years after was always rose tinted. nothing absolutely nothing could go wrong, i was invincible, high speed crashes, climbing the same cliff again, falling in love every day, taking a sabbatical from school, going down a 45 degree slope on a bicycle with doggy brakes, taking apart a scooter, nothing and i mean nothing could hold me back. i had realized that life is fickle it looses interest in the blink of an eye so it was never going to get that chance, again. money was never an issue all that mattered was the next escapade. For example when the first time the doctor told me i could walk, i took off from the bed, that very evening, that had been my prison for the last 6 months, when no one was watching me. The spirit was there, so was determination, but my legs had other ideas after resting for so long they didn't really want to do any work. oh and my nervous system was still drunk. I ended on the kitchen floor with a broken glass and water all over. The noise brought the whole family down on me, listening to them you would have thought i was paralyzed again. so as they yelled at me, i had this stupid smile on my face, as i came off my adrenalin high. Mission accomplished. till 2005 i was a tornado and nothing absolutely nothing could stop me. college was to be conquered. I wanted to leave a trace in every place, every life that i touched. Big bold letters that proclaimed that "Shanu was here" my graffiti on life. Indelible and forever.
Some where along the way i forgot the lessons i learnt, life became a series of accomplishments instead of the high. i forgot that i had a respite, a second chance. then came the MBA and the pursuit of the golden career. Everyday anxieties, worries and frustrations came back. Wants and needs grew. Where i was happy careening around on a 100 cc bike i wanted one with a 1000 cc. Backpacking and hitching around Rajasthan wasn't enough, i want to drive around the world. then, Life happened, again. The glowing grades and accolades from my professors turned into biting remarks, the healthy back, turned troublesome, and the glowing some times telepathic relationship turned into a burden, for her. Ridiculed by batch mates, reviled by the professors, and sympathized by my friends. I closed up on my self, i couldn't understand what had gone wrong. I knew or thought that i knew i was one step ahead of life. This couldn't happen. Self pity and recrimination meant that i sat there looking at my life disintegrate with morbid fascination. Family aghast, friends horrified and the rest of the world went on while i sat there, closed up in a room for six months caught up in the view. Treatment for depression followed, transforming to lethargy and every thing attendant. I was still not ready to concede that there was some thing wrong with me. All i knew was the world was out to get me, what had i done to deserve this? Then one day a friend came and yelled at me, it was not recrimination, it was not anger or disappointment. she yelled because being the way i was, was hurting her and my other friends. Seeing her yell and cry was an eye opener, pity turned into disgust. I realized that i had lost sight of my life, lessons learnt at a great price. My reprieve all those years back was forgotten. I stopped taking medication, went out for a ride. cleaned out my closet both literally and mentally. I wanted a job, i wanted to work.
It was a second shot, i was wasting it. MBA was gone, done, over. Now i had to move on. I wanted to believe THE FALL was life changing, it gave me insights that would let me enjoy life more. But i returned to the emotional base line that i had taken off from. Career, money, the next bike, the next acquisition and the next material high was all i was worried about. Life and Vini pulled me back to earth. Its been 3 years now, i started at the bottom, Getting payed in peanuts for free lance jobs, then small firms and higher, Ive grown and Ive grown to respect what life was teaching me all those years ago. It is my life, i am the only one who can find happiness, its sitting on the rocks with a friend, its a drinking binge after four years of alcohol free existence and talking stuff over, its the birth of your best buddy's first child, it's talking to some one after ages and feeling like you had never been away, Its a travelling two nights and a wasted afternoon, just to spent a morning on the beach with a friend, its going on a shopping binge with your niece and not worrying about the rest of the month. There has been a house in between, furniture, and assorted other stuff, oh and i wouldn't have survived if it hadn't been for handouts and loans from friends. but I'm getting there. It's my life I'm going to live it my way, I'm going to wake up every day and be happy for it. There is crazy taxi driver or a loose cliff stone around the corner ready to take it all away. I'm determined, not to loose sight of the lessons that my second chance, my grace, taught me, and if i do you are welcome to knock me on the head.
Que Sera Sera.
Some where along the way i forgot the lessons i learnt, life became a series of accomplishments instead of the high. i forgot that i had a respite, a second chance. then came the MBA and the pursuit of the golden career. Everyday anxieties, worries and frustrations came back. Wants and needs grew. Where i was happy careening around on a 100 cc bike i wanted one with a 1000 cc. Backpacking and hitching around Rajasthan wasn't enough, i want to drive around the world. then, Life happened, again. The glowing grades and accolades from my professors turned into biting remarks, the healthy back, turned troublesome, and the glowing some times telepathic relationship turned into a burden, for her. Ridiculed by batch mates, reviled by the professors, and sympathized by my friends. I closed up on my self, i couldn't understand what had gone wrong. I knew or thought that i knew i was one step ahead of life. This couldn't happen. Self pity and recrimination meant that i sat there looking at my life disintegrate with morbid fascination. Family aghast, friends horrified and the rest of the world went on while i sat there, closed up in a room for six months caught up in the view. Treatment for depression followed, transforming to lethargy and every thing attendant. I was still not ready to concede that there was some thing wrong with me. All i knew was the world was out to get me, what had i done to deserve this? Then one day a friend came and yelled at me, it was not recrimination, it was not anger or disappointment. she yelled because being the way i was, was hurting her and my other friends. Seeing her yell and cry was an eye opener, pity turned into disgust. I realized that i had lost sight of my life, lessons learnt at a great price. My reprieve all those years back was forgotten. I stopped taking medication, went out for a ride. cleaned out my closet both literally and mentally. I wanted a job, i wanted to work.
It was a second shot, i was wasting it. MBA was gone, done, over. Now i had to move on. I wanted to believe THE FALL was life changing, it gave me insights that would let me enjoy life more. But i returned to the emotional base line that i had taken off from. Career, money, the next bike, the next acquisition and the next material high was all i was worried about. Life and Vini pulled me back to earth. Its been 3 years now, i started at the bottom, Getting payed in peanuts for free lance jobs, then small firms and higher, Ive grown and Ive grown to respect what life was teaching me all those years ago. It is my life, i am the only one who can find happiness, its sitting on the rocks with a friend, its a drinking binge after four years of alcohol free existence and talking stuff over, its the birth of your best buddy's first child, it's talking to some one after ages and feeling like you had never been away, Its a travelling two nights and a wasted afternoon, just to spent a morning on the beach with a friend, its going on a shopping binge with your niece and not worrying about the rest of the month. There has been a house in between, furniture, and assorted other stuff, oh and i wouldn't have survived if it hadn't been for handouts and loans from friends. but I'm getting there. It's my life I'm going to live it my way, I'm going to wake up every day and be happy for it. There is crazy taxi driver or a loose cliff stone around the corner ready to take it all away. I'm determined, not to loose sight of the lessons that my second chance, my grace, taught me, and if i do you are welcome to knock me on the head.
Que Sera Sera.
Labels: accidents, and every thing in between, life